When Laura heard the words “this isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility”, her whole outlook changed. She shares her story here.
After 2 years of working with coaches, therapists, PTs and dieticians I was as stuck as I’d been at the start. I was waiting for the thing that would fix me. The person who would give me the magical answer to all of my problems. The thing that they’d say that would change everything.
I was dutifully turning up to weekly sessions, bearing my soul, making sacrifices in what myself and my husband could afford to do because getting better was my priority. And, the truth of what was really happening was, I was taking absolutely no ownership for actually moving forward.
I was making excuses as to why I couldn’t change.
I was pointing at my family, my history, my upbringing, my triggers.
I wasn’t making any actual commitments to change or get better.
I spent 2 years paying someone to help me, and fighting them every step of the way.
Until my therapist said to me “Laura, I get it, this isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
That absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I could make all the excuses in the world, I could feel sorry for myself, I could blame others but if things were actually going to change, I had to take 100% ownership for changing them.
And in that moment everything changed. Because I made a plan to get better. I made a series of commitments to myself to keep me moving forward. At Ivy House one of our values is abundance, so I thought I’d share these with you, in the hope that, for those who might just be a little stuck, it edges you towards freedom.
- Take 100% ownership. Stop waiting and hoping. Stop waiting until you hit rock bottom for things to change. They won’t. Rock bottom just keeps getting lower and lower. You have to change them.
- Drop the ego and actually listen to the support and advice being given.
- Be 100% honest with yourself and with those who are supporting you.
- Make more space. Yoga and mediation might sound like a lovely idea, but I white knuckled my way through, until I surrendered. I actually worked on my practice instead of trying to rush through, or meditate whilst doing something else. The space opened up opportunity for new thought, for a quieter mind, for more freedom.
- Be open and curious. Identify the patterns or behaviours that are keeping you stuck and make commitments to change them.
- Ask others for feedback – what do they observe, when are you at your best, and when are you not showing up as your best self? And make commitments to them and ask for their ongoing feedback and support to help you in achieving those commitments.
- Be open to learning. Reflect on your good days and learn from them. On the days where I feel peace, I reflected on what my formula was, how I stumble into this. Who was I with? What did I do? What was my thinking? My environment? Then I had a formula to get back here. That becomes your manual for living.
- Create a vision for your life. What does good look like for you? What do you actually want? It’s almost impossible to move forward until you are intentional about the life you want to create.
- Make a plan. A plan that involves conscious commitments and small steps towards creating the life you want. And take those small steps every day. You won’t always achieve them but every day is a chance to improve. To learn and reset.
- Be conscious about the environment you create. The people you hang out with. How you spend your time. The content you consume. Create environments that are conducive with your health, and allow you to stay in alignment with the life you want.
- Do the work. As a very wise friend always says ‘wellbeing is an every day job’. That means making commitments around staying well. And doing them, day in, day out. Here are the things I have found are transformational for me. The things I commit to doing every single day to stay well:
- Moving and eating in a way that nourishes my body
- Listening, reading or watching something where I will learn
- Focus on building relationships of honesty and trust
- Deal with the next step, rather than trying to tackle everything
It might sound like text book stuff. It’s the cliche PR version of ‘how to fix your life’. But it’s also the honest truth of my journey. One I don’t always get right. One that involves slip ups, missed mediations, showing up as a snappy, busy, overwhelmed self on occasions – but one that allows me to constantly realign when I fall off course. One that has got me off the waiting and hoping train and finally seen me step up and take ownership for creating the life I actually want. We can spend a lifetime fighting for a our limitations. I’m done with that. I’m working on my freedom. And I’ll tell you, after years of being dragged through life screaming and fighting, it feels absolutely wonderful.
This might feel familiar to you – or you might recognise these behaviours in someone you know; that’s because we’re all human. And to make real behavioural change, we need to develop human skills – like how to take 100% ownership. That’s exactly what we do on all our programmes.